Street Crime

Dramatis Personae

Y is preferably male, but need not be. He is neither young nor old. He is either rather effeminate, or he is exceedingly masculine, looking like a macho biker. He wears chino slacks and a T-shirt with the chest slogan, “Support Your Local First Responders.” On the back, the World Trade Towers are burning. His slacks’ pockets should be large and deep enough for all the items that will come from them.

X (KRIS LEECHER) is preferably female, but need not be. She, too, is neither young nor old. She is dressed conservatively, carries a conservative leather handbag and a cell phone, which may be clipped to her dress or purse, or may protrude from a pocket of her mannish jacket. Her outfit is far from being a chador, but her skirt is quite long, and she wears a scarf that covers her hair.

FIRST POLICEMAN wears a dark blue uniform, complete with badge and ID strip. On his sleeve is one small chevron. A nightstick, a cell phone or walky-talky, handcuffs, and a pistol holster hang from his belt. A pistol protrudes from the holster. He is young, clean-shaven, slight, with neatly combed black hair cut in a military style. He wears steel-rimmed spectacles. His voice is thin, nasal, and slightly effeminate.

SECOND POLICEMAN, too, wears a dark blue uniform, but with a noticeably different cut and a much larger badge. His uniform’s cap looks vaguely naval. Under his badge is a ribbon that looks military. He is about six feet tall, muscular, blue-eyed, clean-shaven, blond, and clean-cut; he has a large, square jaw and gleaming white, very even teeth. The two sides of his face are perfect mirror images of each other. In a showy, over-dramatic way, he is quite handsome. He looks like the hero of a late-nineteenth-century melodrama, the “Jack” of whom the heroine might say, “If only Jack were here!”. A walky-talky, a PDA, a whistle, and a holster with a pistol in it hang from his belt.

THIRD POLICEMAN (Al) is a poorly preserved African-American in his late forties. His uniform is similar to SECOND POLICEMAN’s. He is about 5’ 10”, chubby, with graying temples. His forehead has deep horizontal lines.

* * *

Time: Summer 2004

* * *

The curtain rises on an almost bare stage, except for a suggestion along stage front of a sidewalk with paving blocks, and just behind the sidewalk a slight depression, i.e., a curb. The backdrop shows a stylized cityscape: store fronts, advertising signs, distant multistory buildings. Traffic noise, including frequent distant emergency-vehicle sirens, never ceases. Usually soft, occasionally it is louder, suggesting a passing car or truck. The lighting suggests early afternoon on a cloudy summer day.

A light breeze blows from the back of the stage toward the audience. Now and then, the wind briefly gusts strongly.

As the lights come up, Y is lying on his back in the street parallel to the proscenium a few feet from the curb, his head toward the right, his arms under his head, their elbows projecting sideward. He is looking up, seemingly staring at the sky.

X enters from the left, walking on the sidewalk. She is absorbed in her thoughts. At first, she does not see Y. When she does, she is startled. She steps off the sidewalk and bends over him, checking to see whether he is alive and conscious. Their eyes meet, and she immediately straightens, but continues to stare down at him, frowning slightly.

Y: I am lying here trying to rest. Why are you bothering me?

X: Because you are lying in the street. A car could come and run you over!

Y: So what business is that of yours?

X: Suicide is a crime. It’s my duty not to be an accessory.

Y: How nice, Miss Prissy-Prissy. I suppose you’re the kind who tattled to the teacher about who talked while she was out of the room. I bet you’re even the kind who reports kids who buy cigarettes before they turn eighteen.

X: If you don’t get up at once, I’m going to call the police.

Y: If you call the police, that will be your problem. You’ll see.

X: What do you mean? What are you going to do?

Y: Aha! So you scare easily! OK, you’d better be scared! You won’t like what I’m going to do!

X: What are you going to do?

Y: Call the police, and you’ll find out.

X: You’re bluffing because you’re afraid I’ll call the police. Well, here goes. [She presses buttons on her cell phone, eliciting variously pitched beeping sounds.] [Pause.] [She looks questioningly at Y.]: Well, what are you going to do now?

Y: You haven’t called the police.

X: I just did.

Y: You dialed the number, but you didn’t press the button that makes the connection.

X: How can you be so sure?

Y: You didn’t say anything, dummy.

X: The police are listening right now. They are listening to me say that you are lying in the street with traffic coming, and you won’t get up.

Y: I’ll make you an offer.

X: No offers. Get up.

Y: If you lie down, I’ll get up.

X: Why should I lie down? It’s dangerous lying in the street.

Y: After you lie down and see me get up, you can get right up again. You’ll only be down a few seconds. There’s not much danger. Well, maybe a little. After all, we’ve been talking for minutes, and no car has hit me.

X: Cars have been going by; they see me standing here, and they swerve to avoid me.

Y: So they’ll swerve to avoid me.

X: Why should I trust you?

Y: Better: Why should I trust you? You just lied to me.

X: I did not!

Y: Ah, ah, ah! Temper! Temper temper temper. Temper temper temper temper temper. [Sings] I love you, for tempermental reasons. You really must believe me. I’ve given you my hard on.

X: That’s disgusting! You’re disgusting! What do I have to do to get you to get up?

Y: If I take out my penis and you look at it, I’ll get up.

X: [She hesitates, then decides. As she does so, she steps back away from him, her body language suggesting that her decision is far from wholehearted.]: OK. But you have to get up right away.

Y: OK. Here goes. [He reaches into his fly and pulls out an invisible or imaginary penis.] Are you looking?

X: Yes, but I don’t see anything.

Y: Do you realize that if you had said you saw my penis I would have gotten up?

X: OK. I do see your [hesitates] penis. I’m looking at it right now.

Y: You’re lying again. Don’t you realize how pathetic you are? If the police were really listening, you never would have said that.

X: Yes, I would! The police would understand that I’m just trying to humor you.

Y: That’s great psychiatry. Tell the crazy man you think he’s crazy and you’re trying to humor him. I’ll tell you what: If you show me your penis, I’ll get up.

X: Good bye. [She starts to walk away toward the right, hesitates, turns back, turns away again, hesitates again, and walks off.]

[Y rolls over from supine to prone, then rises up on his elbows and stares after X, smiling broadly. After about 30 seconds, he shakes his head, “No!”]

Y: Uh-oh!

X re-enters from the right, walking in the street.

X: This time, I did call the police. [She steps sideways onto the sidewalk.] They’ll be here any minute. They told me to stay on the sidewalk. I’ll just wait until the police arrive.

Y: You didn’t. . . . You didn’t, did you? . . . Well, did you?

X: We’ll see. Just be patient.

Y: No, I need to know right now. If the police are coming, I’ve got to leave immediately.

X: Why?

Y: I’m on their wanted list. They’ll hold me incommunicado. No one will ever hear from me again. They’ll execute me without even a trial.

X: That’s not the American way.

Y: [Sings.] Oh, yonder John Ashcroft, I’m a prisoner singing, oh, how could you treat a poor alien so?

X: I admire Bush. I think he’s a second Reagan.

Y: If he gets Alzheimers, how will they be able to tell?

X: You are disgusting. I hope a car does hit you, or a truck. I sure don’t want to see your penis.

Y: I don’t have one. I’m a butch lesbian.

X: [Not wanting to be, but nevertheless somewhat amused.] No, you’re not.

Y: Well, for once, you’re right. I guess it takes one to know one.

X: I am not a lesbian!

Y: I meant: It takes a liar to recognize a liar.

X: Oh, sorry. You were ambiguous.

FIRST POLICEMAN rides onto the stage from the right. He is on a bicycle (or, perhaps, a light motorcycle).

FIRST POLICEMAN [To X]: Did you call for help?

Y leaps to his feet and runs a few feet toward FIRST POLICEMAN, so that he is directly between FIRST POLICEMAN and X, about two feet from FIRST POLICEMAN.

Y: I phoned. That man [pointing at X] knocked me down and grabbed my cell phone right after I phoned for help.

X [enraged]: He’s lying! I phoned for help. I gave my name. It’s Kris Leecher.

FIRST POLICEMAN consults a small notepad he takes out of his shirt pocket.

FIRST POLICEMAN [To Y]: I have a report that you were lying in the street, constituting a traffic hazard and a danger to yourself.

The wind starts to gust strongly.

Y: No, no. I’m Kris Leecher. He has my wallet. Look at my photo ID. Does it look like that fairy or does it look like me?

X: Officer, you are welcome to look at my ID. [She opens her handbag and removes a large wallet. Opens, then closes, various wallet compartments, rushing more and more as her search continues unsuccessful. She puts the wallet back in the handbag and rummages till she removes a second, smaller wallet.]

Y [To FIRST POLICEMAN during X’s search]: Doesn’t she look guilty?

By now, X is trembling. Her movements are spastic. She opens the smaller wallet and starts to remove something, but somehow drops the wallet, spilling its contents, including several folded greenbacks and some small slips of paper that look like credit-card purchase receipts. The wind blows them toward the orchestra pit.]

Y: Here, let me help.

X, Y, and FIRST POLICEMAN rush about, trying to gather up the blowing papers. Y slams his foot down onto an item. As FIRST POLICEMAN and X rush about, they almost collide.

X: Oh! I’m sorry!

FIRST POLICEMAN: Excuse me!

Y: I have the ID under my foot.

Y bends, and removes from under his foot a plastic card the size of a credit card. He hands it to FIRST POLICEMAN. FIRST POLICEMAN examines the card, then looks first at X, then at Y.

FIRST POLICEMAN [To X]: This appears to be your photograph. [To Y]: I’m afraid I have to place you under arrest for obstructing traffic, creating a disturbance, and attempting to interfere with an officer.

Y: Excellent! [He produces a microphone. To FIRST POLICEMAN]: Would you like to say a few words to the audience? How do you feel about what has been taking place?

FIRST POLICEMAN: What audience?

Y: You may get to see yourself next fall on our satellite network. [He produces two 8.5-by-11-inch stapled multi-page printed forms, and hands one to FIRST POLICEMAN and the other to X.] Here you are. Please sign these releases everywhere there’s a red X.

During the following conversation between Y and FIRST POLICEMAN, X is absorbed in reading the form she has been handed.

FIRST POLICEMAN: Just a minute. You can’t engage in this kind of activity in this city without first getting a permit. Where is your permit?

Y: We only need a permit if we’re filming or videotaping. All we’re doing is sound recording. Provided we get participants’ permission to use the recordings, we don’t need a permit.

FIRST POLICEMAN: In any case, you’re still under arrest. You can’t just lie down in the street and create a disturbance. You could have caused an accident. It will be up to a judge to decide whether this is acceptable behavior, television show or no television show.

X: Just listen to this! Here’s how it begins [She reads from the form.]: “In the name of Allah, the all-powerful, the all-knowing, the eternal, the merciful, greetings. We, the undersigned, agree to submit wholly and absolutely to the will of Allah. We shall henceforth obey all His commands and precepts, and pledge our lives and souls to His service. We utterly and forever abjure all belief in and submission to false idols and prophets, such as those worshipped by infidels. We renounce all allegiance to any government that does not acknowledge the supremacy of Allah and his laws and commandments.”

FIRST POLICEMAN places his hand on his pistol, but does not remove it from its holster. Peering at Y, he glances at his copy of the form, then stuffs the form into one of his pants’ pockets. He takes his pistol out of its holster; holding it in his right hand; with his left hand steadying his right arm, he points the pistol at Y.

FIRST POLICEMAN [To Y]: Lie face down on the sidewalk, please. [Y does so.] Clasp your hands behind you at your waistline. [Y does so. FIRST POLICEMAN handcuffs Y, then places one foot lightly on Y’s neck. He takes out his walky-talky (or cell phone), presses some buttons, then says]: This is Officer four-nine-two. I have a Situation Ninety-nine, and I urgently need backup and a conveyance for a prisoner at Twenty-second and L.

As FIRST POLICEMAN is speaking, a police cruiser drives onto the stage from the left, and a police officer (SECOND POLICEMAN) emerges from the front door on the passenger side, leaving another officer in the cruiser’s driver’s seat.

[In the following, FIRST POLICEMAN continues to point his gun more or less toward Y, but rather carelessly, letting his hand swing somewhat as he speaks.]

SECOND POLICEMAN: What’s going on here? [To FIRST POLICEMAN]: Who are you?

FIRST POLICEMAN: I have the same question for you: You aren’t wearing a regulation uniform. Unless you can produce identification and an explanation, I’m going to place you under arrest for impersonating an officer. [During the next few minutes, he appears to grow less and less aware of where he is pointing his gun.]

SECOND POLICEMAN [To his walky-talky]: Al, call headquarters and get emergency backup immediately.

The police cruiser’s lights flash.

FIRST POLICEMAN [To X]: I may need your help. This may get ugly. Get as far away as you can from here, as fast as you can. If something happens to me before my backup arrives, call police headquarters and tell them what happened.

X: How will I know whether it’s your backup or their backup?

SECOND POLICEMAN [To X]: An excellent question, Ma’am. My backup will be wearing the same kind of uniform I’m wearing. [To FIRST POLICEMAN]: Please put that gun away and get your foot off that gentleman’s neck, Sir.

THIRD POLICEMAN emerges from the cruiser’s driver’s door. He is carrying a double-barreled shotgun. He walks rapidly around the front of the cruiser, then toward the other characters, and takes a position behind and upstage from SECOND POLICEMAN. He points his shotgun at FIRST POLICEMAN.

THIRD POLICEMAN [To SECOND POLICEMAN]: Are any of these jokers giving you trouble? What’s with the guy with the gun?

FIRST POLICEMAN [To X]: I told you to go away. Now, get moving!

THIRD POLICEMAN: Hold it! Nobody goes anywhere until I sort all this out.

[To FIRST POLICEMAN]: Put that gun down right now! Take your foot off that gentleman’s neck! Be careful! If you point your gun at anybody, I’m going to consider that a deadly threat, and I’ll use my weapon to disable you before you cause injury or death to anyone.

FIRST POLICEMAN puts his pistol back in its holster.

FIRST POLICEMAN: I am Officer four-nine-two of the South Plains Municipal Police. As a police officer, I have the right to employ deadly force if necessary to keep the peace. Who are you? I don’t recognize your uniform or your badge.

THIRD POLICEMAN: I don’t know where you think you are. We’re in the city of Ulan. My partner and I are police officers in this town’s police force. I’ve never heard of South Plains. Now, take your foot off that man’s neck!

FIRST POLICEMAN [To X]: Show those men the paper form that man handed us.

X hands the paper form to SECOND POLICEMAN. He starts to read it.

THIRD POLICEMAN: I have a very short fuse. Take your foot off that man’s neck now!

SECOND POLICEMAN: Just a minute, Al. You’d better first look at this paper. [To Y]: Is this paper yours?

Y: I don’t know what you’re talking about. This guy with his foot on my neck told me I was under arrest. Then, this woman came along. She seems to know him.

X: This is crazy! [To SECOND POLICEMAN]: May I see some ID or proof you are really a police officer?

THIRD POLICEMAN: You are in no position, Lady, to be asking anybody for ID. I’m in charge here, and I’m rapidly getting to the point when this friend of mine [he nods toward his shotgun] will speak for me.

Y suddenly twists out from under the leg that is on his neck. Simultaneously, he thrusts upward and sideways with his handcuffed arms, striking the leg over him. FIRST POLICEMAN falls heavily with his left forearm under him, dropping his gun. He tries to rise up on his two arms and immediately falls back prone with a groan, his left arm now no longer under him. His left sleeve is torn, and a trickle of blood flows from under his sleeve onto his left wrist and hand. (It continues to dribble slowly till the end of the scene.) Y stands up.

Y: [To SECOND POLICEMAN]: Quick, take his gun!

SECOND POLICEMAN does so, checks to ascertain that it is not cocked, stuffs it into one of his pockets, and puts his foot gently on the back of FIRST POLICEMAN’s neck. Then, he draws his pistol and points it at X.

SECOND POLICEMAN: You, you, and you are all under arrest. I assume you know your rights, but I’ll remind you of them, just to be sure. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say may be used as evidence against you.

X: What am I under arrest for?

SECOND POLICEMAN hands the printed form to THIRD POLICEMAN.

THIRD POLICEMAN reads it until the next time he speaks.

SECOND POLICEMAN: [To X]: Suspicion of conspiracy to commit terrorist activity.

FIRST POLICEMAN [Weakly; he is in pain.]: You heard me say that I am a South Plains Police Officer. Ma’am, you heard them say they were officers from some town with a name like “Lulu.” Where do you think we are right now, Ma’am?

SECOND POLICEMAN [To Y]: Did you hear this guy with the weird uniform claim he was a police officer?

Y: I sure did.

SECOND POLICEMAN: [To FIRST POLICEMAN]: To any other charges, I’m adding impersonating a police officer.

X: May I use my cell phone to telephone home?

THIRD POLICEMAN: Not now. Later, when we’re in the station, you’ll be given an opportunity to make a telephone call. Please hand me your cell phone, now, Ma’am. I am taking it as possible material evidence. We’ll see to it that you get a receipt for this and any other property we have to confiscate.

He takes her cell phone.

X: I may be crazy to say this now, but I know that I am in South Plains, and I never heard of this “Lulu” you say you’re from.

SECOND POLICEMAN: It’s Ulan, Ma’am. We’re not far from the capital.

Y: I think it’s time I showed my ID. My wallet is in my left rear pocket.

THIRD POLICEMAN: I’ll get it.

THIRD POLICEMAN steps behind Y and carefully pats him down, checking all his pockets and all of his body from his neck to his ankles. During this, he never lets go of his shotgun, which he carefully holds behind him, out of Y’s reach. He removes a wallet from Y’s left rear pocket, opens it, and removes an ID card. He looks at it and hands it to SECOND POLICEMAN.

SECOND POLICEMAN: Why didn’t you tell us?

Y: I wasn’t sure who was who, with both sides claiming they were local law enforcement.

SECOND POLICEMAN: Do you plan to take them into custody?

Y: Perhaps eventually, but not right now. You should let headquarters know.

THIRD POLICEMAN presses several buttons on X’s cell phone, eliciting beeps.

THIRD POLICEMAN [To the cell phone]: Hello, this is Igor, Dr. Frankenstein’s assistant. The monster has come to life. Please send a response team to Twenty-second and L. The local police will be expecting you. If I’m not here when the team arrives, I’ll be pursuing Count Dracula.

X: Can I say what happened before you got here?

THIRD POLICEMAN: Sure.

X: I was walking. I saw this man [points to Y] lying in the street. I asked him to get up because he was a traffic hazard and in danger. He refused and made obscene suggestions and gestures. I called the police and gave them my name, Kris Leecher. This man [points to FIRST POLICEMAN] came and said he was a policeman. Then, the other man said he was me, and I was a homosexual man. He claimed that the photograph on my ID card would show that he was Kris Leecher. The man I thought was a policeman looked at my ID and agreed that it was my picture. Then the other man said he was working for television, and he handed each of us the form you both just looked at. [While she speaks, FIRST POLICEMAN groans.] The man I thought was a policeman tried to arrest the other man, but I noticed he didn’t tell him his rights. Then you came along. I still don’t understand where you are supposed to be from.

Y: I guess I’d better explain. They and I are government agents in an undercover task force. I am their superior, and so I know about them, but they have never met me and didn’t know who I was. I was lying there because that was the recognition signal for certain terrorists we were trying to contact. I was impersonating one of their agents whom we recently apprehended. This South Plains “Police Officer” [his tone makes the quotation marks obvious] is one of the terrorists we’ve been trying to catch. Unfortunately, your arrival almost upset our plan. Now, if you don’t mind, you can go with my colleague. At the station, they’ll need to ask you a few questions, and then you’ll be released. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to ride in the back of the police cruiser, like a prisoner, because that’s where we’re required to put someone who’s not one of us agents. [He nods to THIRD POLICEMAN, who hands her her cell phone.] There you are. You really aren’t under arrest any more.

[FIRST POLICEMAN groans again. SECOND POLICEMAN speaks into his walky-talky.]: Send an ambulance suitable for conveying a dangerous suspect.

SECOND POLICEMAN [To X]: This way, Ma’am.

X and SECOND POLICEMAN walk to the police cruiser. SECOND POLICEMAN gets into the driver’s seat, and X gets into the back seat. The cruiser drives off.

THIRD POLICEMAN [To Y]: Let’s use his pistol.

Y: Good idea.

THIRD POLICEMAN transfers his shotgun to his left hand and takes FIRST POLICEMAN’s pistol out of FIRST POLICEMAN’s pocket and cocks it.

THIRD POLICEMAN [To Y]: It’s amazing, how they believe anything we tell them, if we say it’s to help fight terrorism.

Y: Not really. I just happen to be good at this.

THIRD POLICEMAN puts the pistol to FIRST POLICEMAN’s head. FIRST POLICEMAN tries to raise himself on his hands and knees, but is unable to do so. He groans and falls back. THIRD POLICEMAN kills him.

Immobility; darkness; curtain.

Street Crime by H. G. Gerjuoy is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.